Dear Neighborhood Gangster…

Posted on 30th December 2008 by Ryan Somma in Enlightenment Warrior

Although I have no idea who you are, I get the feeling you’re trying to tell me something. I’m not sure what, but I can’t help but think that shooting my house with a shotgun was some sort of message. I’m sorry if you’ve left me other messages, like peeing on my house to mark your territory or something, but I’m afraid I’m not too familiar with gangster lingo.

You see, I’m a nerd. So your primordial methods of communication are kind of lost on me. It’s a cultural divide thing too. I know that a gun in the home is 22 times more likely to kill someone you know than be used in self defense. So statistically-speaking, you’re more likely to shoot one of your fellow gang members, who probably also owns a gun of some sort. It’s a math thing, something gang members don’t understand too well. You probably buy lottery tickets too.


Buckshot

Buckshot
credit: TGAW

You’re probably confused by the fact that we slept through your message, and didn’t get it until morning. You see, being a nerd, I heavily insulated my house with fiberglass that has a high R-Value. In addition to keeping my house really cozy in the winter, it also acts as a sound barrier. So when you drive past my house in your muffler-less car, blasting bass drums on your broken speakers, I continue watching Tron completely undisturbed.

We did hear the second shotgun blast on the following night, and I was very impressed I assure you. I don’t mean that in a condescending way either. Your ability to point your boomstick at the broadside of my house and pull the trigger demonstrates that you know how to point and you know what a house is. Pretty soon, you’ll be ready to for the Special Olympics.


Bedroom Window

Bedroom Window
credit: TGAW

You might be taking some satisfaction in the fact that you ruined a few feet of vinyl siding and a window. This will cause me about 10 minutes of inconvenience, as I will now have to call my home owners insurance and have them fix it. All of us nerds have home-owners insurance. “That’s how we roll.”

Maybe you knew this about nerds, and wanted to make sure you really really inconvenienced us. So that’s why you shot TGAW’s car. How clever of you to make us call her auto insurance to have that repaired too. You made us make two phone calls, and all for the price of three shotgun shells. That comes out to $4.50 a phone call (there’s that math thing again).


Bullet Hole in the Xterra

Bullet Hole in the Xterra
credit: TGAW

The nice police officer noticed TGAW had a blue bandana in the back of her car, and explained to us that you are most likely a “Blood” who feels threatened by a rival breed of gangster known as “Crypts,” who wear blue bandanas. So it’s possible that seeing the blue bandana incited you to attack TGAW’s car the way a bull is prone to charge a red cape or a monkey prone to fling poop at rival monkeys. Next time we’ll know to call a zookeeper or Jane Goodall instead of the ECPD.

In my research about gangsters, I came across the concept of bling. Apparently gangsters are attracted to bright shiny things. I can relate to this. We nerds are really into our cell phones (I get internet and Microsoft Word on mine), and we are all about our computer systems too (I roll with a 2.66GHz 8MB cache and 3GB DDR3 RAM (The other nerds hate on me.)).

Now I can’t wait to start playing with my new home security system and the cameras I’m having installed around the house, which I can afford because nerds make way more money than gangsters. The neighbors are happy about the cameras too. Imagine that, they prefer a nerd for a neighbor, someone who props up the community, to a gangster, someone who can shoot things.


Note: I don’t get the whole wearing blood diamonds thing. How is wearing jewelry that funds genocides in Africa a good thing?

10 Comments

  1. You should post this around your neighborhood, haha. He’ll definitely believe you’re not a Crip when you can’t spell it right! :)

    [I’m kind of amazed that people don’t know about Crips Vs. Bloods, it’s been in South Park, hell it was known in my high school days and i’m not exactly the most street smart dude]

    Comment by ClintJCL — December 30, 2008 @ 6:42 pm

  2. Ryan,

    Glad to know you and TGAW are ok. Sorry your property was damaged. One question tho: How do you know it was a gangster and not just some dirtbag with a gun?

    -BMF

    Comment by BMF — December 31, 2008 @ 12:17 am

  3. Ryan! I’m so glad that you and TGAW are not harmed. Now I’m worried about you. I don’t have your number anymore; give me a call sometime and we can catch up.

    Comment by Kristina — December 31, 2008 @ 9:12 am

  4. Ryan, glad you two are ok. And I love the reference to gun accident stats – only thing I can see wrong is that if Mr. Gansta shoots one of his own, it will probably be on purpose (for his sake, let’s hope his target is roughly the size and shape of a house, or if not, that he can outrun him after he misses…)

    BTW, 1/4″ steel plate is cheap, fairly easy to handle and your buddy would need a .50 machine gun to reach out and touch you through it.

    Comment by Stacy — December 31, 2008 @ 11:26 am

  5. Thanks Everyone! At this point, it’s all in the hands of the police. The neighbors are keeping an eye on the street (this has happened to other houses on the block), and keeping an eye out for anyone new.

    It’s most-likely a member of the Bloods, who have a clubhouse/hideout/whateveryoucallit down the street, which is easily identifiable by the red bandannas they tie around stop signs and gang-symbols they spray paint on the sidewalk.

    Why they targeted my house is a mystery… as is why they’ve targeted other houses in the past. The Bluds and Crypts came to EC two years ago, and have been shooting each other ever since. It’s mostly kids with nothing better to do than ruin their futures.

    It’s a little hard to take them seriously when I see them on the street, since they’re all kids. Hopefully the cameras and security system will put and end to this nonsense.

    Comment by ideonexus — January 1, 2009 @ 12:51 pm

  6. Foo u dont even know how to spell crips fucken dumbass
    seriously how u kno it was gangsters it culd of been da other nerds dat b “hatin on u”

    Comment by bloodkilla0531 — January 19, 2009 @ 7:40 pm

  7. Your IP address indicates you’re from Herndon, VA. I didn’t know there were any Cripes there.

    Thanks for posting phonetically, Isaac Asimov would be proud. : )

    Comment by ideonexus — January 20, 2009 @ 6:25 pm

  8. Oh man, I missed this blog post.
    Those guys be trippin, yo.

    Where is this around E City?

    Comment by DJ Nicko — January 20, 2009 @ 7:06 pm

  9. Yep. This was happening at my house in EC. The police have installed a very very expensive security camera on the lightpole across the street from my house, which will keep an eye on the two most notorious intersections on my block. On the one hand I feel safer, on the other hand, the police can now watch me in my house if I have the blinds open.

    I think Franklin said something about those who trade liberty for security deserve neither. So I’m feeling secure, but I’m also feeling conflicted about that security.

    Comment by ideonexus — January 24, 2009 @ 11:50 am

  10. i aint form no damn Herndon,VA
    foo im straight out from the city of Compton!

    Comment by bloodkilla0531 — February 11, 2009 @ 10:57 pm

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