President Bush knows why oil prices are high when he tells us, “The only thing standing now between the American people and these vast oil resources is the United States Congress,” but his actions to lift oil-drilling bans from our nature preserves and off America’s coasts are just a drop in the bucket of what he could be doing to ease oil prices for suffering Americans.
The true future of American Oil is all around us:
 The REAL Untapped Oil Supply Credit: K.E.B Photography |
What those environmentalists don’t want the American people to know is that oil is made of plants. It’s true! It’s science! All the oil we burn in our cars is the natural, organic product of plants that have been squished up and converted into combustible hydrocarbons!
America needs to start proactively helping this process along by burying our national forests underground so they can begin the natural, organic conversion process. (Keep stressing those words “natural” and “organic.” Environmentalists will eat it up.) The effort of burying our country’s forests will not only create thousands of new jobs, but we can also pave over the buried forests and put Wal-Marts on top of them!
Trees are a total waste of space anyways. They just sit there, doing nothing, and serving no purpose except for sissy-prissy liberals to write poems about. We need to start planting Capitalism!
Critics will argue that it will take 100 Million Years for nature to convert our nation’s forests to crude oil, but if we had started proactively burying our forests 100 million years ago we wouldn’t be in this mess today! You ever think about that, you stupid environmentalist jerks???
Burying our Nation’s forests is just the first step Bush can take to stop capitulating to those capitalism-hating, nature-worshipping hippies and man-up to the real solutions to America’s oil-supply problems. Rush Limbaugh admires Chinese gas subsidies, but even having the Federal Government buy our gasoline for us doesn’t go far enough (however crucial it is to the effort of wheel-barrowing Limbaugh’s lard-butt around in a humvee).
Bush should remove the bans on selling our children into indentured servitude, so we can turn them over to the Oil Industry. He should replace Congress with ExxonMobile stockholders, who can then replace him with a CEO in turn. As Patrick Henry will proclaim, once the Oil Companies get to rewrite the history books, “Give me convenience or give me death.1”
1 From the title of a Dead Kennedys album.
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