Although I have no idea who you are, I get the feeling you’re trying to tell me something. I’m not sure what, but I can’t help but think that shooting my house with a shotgun was some sort of message. I’m sorry if you’ve left me other messages, like peeing on my house to mark your territory or something, but I’m afraid I’m not too familiar with gangster lingo.
You see, I’m a nerd. So your primordial methods of communication are kind of lost on me. It’s a cultural divide thing too. I know that a gun in the home is 22 times more likely to kill someone you know than be used in self defense. So statistically-speaking, you’re more likely to shoot one of your fellow gang members, who probably also owns a gun of some sort. It’s a math thing, something gang members don’t understand too well. You probably buy lottery tickets too.
 Buckshot credit: TGAW |
You’re probably confused by the fact that we slept through your message, and didn’t get it until morning. You see, being a nerd, I heavily insulated my house with fiberglass that has a high R-Value. In addition to keeping my house really cozy in the winter, it also acts as a sound barrier. So when you drive past my house in your muffler-less car, blasting bass drums on your broken speakers, I continue watching Tron completely undisturbed.
We did hear the second shotgun blast on the following night, and I was very impressed I assure you. I don’t mean that in a condescending way either. Your ability to point your boomstick at the broadside of my house and pull the trigger demonstrates that you know how to point and you know what a house is. Pretty soon, you’ll be ready to for the Special Olympics.
 Bedroom Window credit: TGAW |
You might be taking some satisfaction in the fact that you ruined a few feet of vinyl siding and a window. This will cause me about 10 minutes of inconvenience, as I will now have to call my home owners insurance and have them fix it. All of us nerds have home-owners insurance. “That’s how we roll.”
Maybe you knew this about nerds, and wanted to make sure you really really inconvenienced us. So that’s why you shot TGAW’s car. How clever of you to make us call her auto insurance to have that repaired too. You made us make two phone calls, and all for the price of three shotgun shells. That comes out to $4.50 a phone call (there’s that math thing again).
 Bullet Hole in the Xterra credit: TGAW |
The nice police officer noticed TGAW had a blue bandana in the back of her car, and explained to us that you are most likely a “Blood” who feels threatened by a rival breed of gangster known as “Crypts,” who wear blue bandanas. So it’s possible that seeing the blue bandana incited you to attack TGAW’s car the way a bull is prone to charge a red cape or a monkey prone to fling poop at rival monkeys. Next time we’ll know to call a zookeeper or Jane Goodall instead of the ECPD.
In my research about gangsters, I came across the concept of bling. Apparently gangsters are attracted to bright shiny things. I can relate to this. We nerds are really into our cell phones (I get internet and Microsoft Word on mine), and we are all about our computer systems too (I roll with a 2.66GHz 8MB cache and 3GB DDR3 RAM (The other nerds hate on me.)).
Now I can’t wait to start playing with my new home security system and the cameras I’m having installed around the house, which I can afford because nerds make way more money than gangsters. The neighbors are happy about the cameras too. Imagine that, they prefer a nerd for a neighbor, someone who props up the community, to a gangster, someone who can shoot things.
Note: I don’t get the whole wearing blood diamonds thing. How is wearing jewelry that funds genocides in Africa a good thing?
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